The Three Forces Behind Compromise

We hear it all the time: life is about compromise.
True. But that’s not the whole story.

If you’ve ever been caught between what you want and what someone else wants, you know compromise isn’t always easy — or even possible.
So the real question is: what makes compromise work in some situations and fail in others?

Over time, I’ve found there are three main forces at play.

1. Inefficiencies: The Practical Limits

Let’s start with the easiest one: situations where the disagreement isn’t really about values or passions, but about resources — time, money, energy.

Take my own life.
(Among others) I have two travel dreams: visiting Sicily (because one of my ancestors left there in the 19th century) and visiting Rome. They’re both perfectly doable as short trips within Europe. I’d be happy with a couple of smaller vacations each year.

My wife’s dream?
Skip all the small trips and save up for something big: a once-in-a-decade journey to the Cook Islands and French Polynesia. She would be willing to give up travel for years to make it happen.

Our disagreement isn’t emotional — it’s logistical. We don’t have unlimited vacation days or unlimited budgets. The “problem” is rooted in inefficiency: we can’t do everything at once.

When the obstacle is resources, you usually have two options:

• Increase the resources (make more money, free up more time)

• Or make a practical trade-off

This is where compromise is most achievable — if everyone understands the constraints.

2. Interests: The Negotiable Middle

Then there are times when both sides have different interests, but no deep moral clash.

Imagine you’re a C++ developer and your manager wants you on a frontend project.
You’d rather deepen your C++ skills.
They need someone with strong DevOps and coaching skills to help a team ramp up.

You like your company. They value you. Neither of you wants you to quit.

Here, there’s space to bargain:
Maybe you split your time — half on the frontend project, half on C++.
Or you agree to work on the frontend project for a fixed period, then transition back.

When it’s about interests rather than values, a middle ground is usually possible — especially if both parties are willing to think rationally and respect each other’s needs.

3. Values: The Unshakable Core

Finally, there are disagreements rooted in values.
This is where compromise often becomes impossible.

If you believe in freedom of speech — even for controversial opinions — while someone else believes those same opinions should be censored, you’re not just negotiating preferences. You’re defending core beliefs.

Values are deeply personal. Asking someone to compromise on them isn’t just hard — it can be unhealthy. If you find yourself repeatedly forced to act against your values — whether in a workplace or personal relationship — it’s a sign you may need to walk away.

You can adjust your values over time as you learn and grow, but don’t just bury them to “keep the peace.” That peace will be short-lived, and the frustration will last.

The Takeaway

Not all compromises are created equal.

• If the disagreement is about resources, you can often solve it by increasing efficiency or making practical trade-offs.

• If it’s about interests, you can usually negotiate a solution that’s good enough for both sides.

• If it’s about values, compromise may not just be difficult — it might be the wrong thing to do.

Before trying to “meet in the middle,” figure out why you need a compromise in the first place.

Knowing the root cause can save you a lot of wasted energy — and help you make better decisions about when to bend, and when to stand firm.